ok, confirm. my insomnia is back. and i am pretty sure that it is gonna be with me for awhile.
i slept off at 0004hours and suddenly found myself awake again at 0153hours. the weirdest thing was, i woke up and i heard myself say: "Ma? Mama?...." and then, i just sat there, thinking. why was i looking for my mum?
i didn't remember dreaming about her. i mean, i didn't really had the chance to dream as i barely slept for 2 hours. but in the midst of somewhat looking for my mother, i felt really sad. like i know that she is not here with me. of course she isn't. she is in KL, i am here. stuck here without a choice.
i guess it finally hit me: that they are going off pretty soon. there was a time in my life where i didn't see my mother for 2 years. yes, 2 WHOLE years. but that didn't bother me that much. that was the time when mama was staying and working in dubai. my other siblings had the chance to visit her, but i didn't, as i was in Russia. i somehow got used to it that i didn't see her. but we kept in touch diligently via mail, phone, SMS. and then, finally she came back to Malaysia, and i was back from Russia for my summer break. from then on, she was always around. and i got comfortable, knowing that she'd be home when i get back.
soon, they will all be off. pretty soon. at first, i felt that nana's departure is affecting me much. since i have already gone through the phase of not seeing my mother, i didn't think that her departure too will play a significant role in my mind.
now i do. now i realised. when i go back home after the 10th of jan 2009, my mother will not be there. she will be half-way across the world, in another continent. then it'll be back to square one: diligent communication via phone, email, IM, SMS.
it is hard to admit than deny. but admitting is so much better than denial. i admit, my mother's departure is affecting me. i am gonna miss her too.....
and... at God-knows-what-time, i was playing the song 'IRONIC' by Alanis Morissette, on my guitar. weird ain't it?