Puteri Diyana

Puteri Diyana, nama mu indah sekali. Sering disebut-sebut teruna yang ingin menjadikan diri mu milik mereka. Suara mu bang buluh perindu, di mimpi-mimpi. Cerah gebu kulit mu, bagai sang puteri rembulan yang menghiasi bumi. Mata mu menambat jiwa yang menenungmu.

Bertudung litup, kamu ayu dipandang. Gerak geri mu lemah longlai walau kamu dalam kesibukan kerja. Kamu masih tetap mampu mengekalkan sifat kewanitaan kamu itu. Kamu menjadi idaman sang teruna dan menjadi contoh si dara.

Tapi bukan aku. Maaf Puteri Diyana,aku tak ingin langsung menjadi seperti kamu.

Mengapa?

Kerana hati mu. Hati mu begitu hitam Puteri Diyana. Kamu tidak malu mengata benda yang kamu sendiri tidak tahu, tidak mengenali. Kamu mengata pasal aku. Tapi Allah itu Maha Adil dan Saksama. Kamu telah memberitahu kawan kamu tentang aku. Tetapi kamu tidak tahu bahawa kawan kamu itu, adalah kawan ku jua.

Kamu kata aku sombong? Kerana aku tidak menegur kamu sewaktu kamu baru masuk ke department itu sebagai seorang first poster. Puteri Diyana, aku tak semestinya perlu tegur semua orang. Itu bukan tugas aku. Tugas aku adalah menyelamatkan pesakit, bukan menegur kamu. Tapi aku tak salahkan kamu kerana memang ramai yang kata aku sombong. Kemudian, mereka mengaku bersalah dan meminta maaf kepada aku kerana apa yang mereka sangka, jauh berbeza dari diri ku yang sebenarnya.

Kamu kata aku malas. Puteri Diyana, aku tak pernah sama ward dengan kamu. Bagaimana kamu tahu aku malas? Tidak mengapa. Kamu sendiri pandai menilai. Jika aku malas, dalam mata mu, malaslah jadinya. Tapi aku cuma mahu kamu tahu bahawa, jikalau betul aku malas, mengapa boss2 dari department lain, amat percaya pada aku jika aku sendiri beritahu mereka bahawa aku akan attend patient dahulu atau buat procedure itu dahulu, tanpa perlu mereka datang. Kerana Puteri Diyana, mereka percaya pada aku. Kerana aku telah banyak melakukan procedures and attend to patients STAT. Malah, apa plan aku untuk patients sekarang, boss continue sahaja, tanda setuju.

Aku kesian pada kamu Puteri Diyana.

Amat kasihan pada kamu.

My second job

Wanna take a guess?

My belated birthday diary

Woke up with a positive attitude although I was supposed to be assigned to a new department. That was my birthday present, to start my second posting :).



The rain greeted my day :)



Still very happy to get to the hospital (really?)



Wearing my killer platforms that I bought with Yayah on my trip back to KL. It hurts balls, but hey, I am a fashion slave.



My birthday breakfast: Yes, TEMPE!! I am jawa, so what?



Birthday friend: Pijoy.... always working (like mad)



Prolonging my stay in surgical department (Yes, I miss surgery)



Blogging on my birthday (sempat tu...)



Getting a surprise birthday cake and a sing-along no less :). Thanks so much.



My birthday snack: I was dead hungry by 5pm. My last meal was at 8am X_x


Papparazi shot: Told you, I am a celebrity :)

Day 14 of life as a Houseman

Today is D14 of my new life as a HO. It is a tough life, but i am tougher to make it through to today. I know of some of my other friends who quit on D2 itself and I keep on wondering what have made them change their mind so drastically.

On the 1st day, I was left to do a discharge summary for a patient that I have no idea of and also, I don't even know how to do a discharge summary. My friend just left me there with a few instructions and i was supposed to do everything else on my own. I put on a mask immediately and put all the shyness away. I asked around of what to do. I got scolding on the first day itself because I didn't know how to request for some blood pints. But it's ok, i learned to be thick skinned.

During my 4th tagging day, I was left to be in the ward alone with my patients. I was to present these patients to the MO and also the specialist. And of course many more scoldings took place but I just learn from my mistakes.

Tagging was supposed to be for 14days but I never made it to that. By day 7, I was already on call. First hand management of acute and emergency patients that are sent to the ward. I only managed my self 2 clicks of shut eye and the progressing to the next day as if i had slept for the last 1 week.

I have learned that there are many different people to work with out there. Some are ok, some are just better left alone. I just make sure that my job is done and that my patients are safe to be discharged home or to be passed over to the on call person.

Today is day 14 and i am post call last night. Been running around from OT to and fro. I am raggedy ass tired and sleepy. But today, i have to stop thinking about sleep cause currently i am on call for mobile blood bank. Thank God there is wi-fi here. Or else I will be snoozing by now already......

Finishing Line

I have run the 10,000 mile race with much support, much courage, and much determination. There were many obstacles that I had to go through to get to the finishing line. There were hard, but they made me stronger.

Now, it is just another 50m to the finishing line and I know I have tried my very best. I am leading this race right now.

But for some reason, suddenly I see, a huge wall of China just before the end of the race. This is not stopping my determination.

I am only human and can only try as much and push further.

Great wall of China, it is only a matter of time till I could climb over and finish this race.

I believe that finishing line is just a few days away.....

It hurts to hurt

Hurt: such a simple 4-letter word that has an impact worst than a meteorite hitting you.

I hate that feeling do much. Be it physically, emotionally, intellectually, hurt is just something that I don't really need.

But what is worse is when you feel hurt when you hurt someone else. Then you know that the person that you have hurt, means a whole lot to you.

That lingering feeling will not go away. The after taste that haunts you is worse than having durian for breakfast. No matter how they say it is not your fault, you know that you are wrong. And no matter how much you apologize, you know it is never enough to take the hurt that you have caused, away.

Shit, this hurts.

I see

I ate a whole carrot for dinner yesterday. My differential diagnosis for myself today will be:

-carotenamia
-X-ray eyes
-I'll become a playbunny (that is so far fetched!)
-I can be one of the X-men. Gambit will have to make a run for it.

No wonder things seem clearer today

Scripted

http://jimfairthorne.files.wordpress.com

Someone once told me that the life that we are living in right now, it has all been scripted since the beginning of time. Whatever that occurs, whatever path that we choose, whatever that we will be, has all been written. We are just actors and actresses that walk the stage that we call earth.

Sometimes, I wish not to believe that because I question myself, why would God want to script bad things to happen in our lives? Why can't it be all sunshiny and smooth-sailing all the way. Why must there be poverty, war, hate and all that that is terrible?

And then I sat back and think again. Of course there must be a balance in everything. God will not give us problems that we can't solve. He knows us better than anyone, even better than ourselves. Therefore he gives us problems, as a test, for us to find a solution, for us to be a better person, for us to excel in our lives that He has given us.

There are many things running and colliding in my life at this moment. When they all happen together, I feel like I wanna run away from it all and just let go. But after awhile, I know that that won't solve anything, in fact, it will make it worse. All I can do is try my level best not to give up and solve these matters. Ask for help. And finally pray that it will all go down a lighted path for me.

I want this more than anything right now. I can't just hold back anymore.

I don't know what my life was scripted to be. But if this is a challenge in the script that I have to go through, Insya'Allah, I will.

I want to go through this last leg of this chapter of my life.

Every girls' dream

I was on the phone with Kris (not her real name) yesterday and as usual, we taunt each other at the beginning of the conversation which will then flow on to the usuals of as asking her daily activities and gossip. Oh yes, as much as we try not to, it is human nature (read: men and women) to just gossip about anything and everything under the sun.

The topic chosen was about most girls and their dreams. This girl named Selena (not the real name) has been talking to her other colleagues that it is time that Selena has to get married. This is because most of the other friends are married and have babies. So Selena feels left out.

Poor Selena , wanting to get hitched just to be the in group, which also means, getting hitched for all the wrong reasons.

I guess the topic somewhat got itself embedded in my hippocampus and it became a memory. I wasn't thinking about it all but subconsciously, it stayed there like a dormant virus waiting for the right time to show itself.

The latent period was not that long, as last night, I had a dream about that very topic.

I was at a performance gig, where I was on stage with my guitar with some other friends. When I wanted to play, the string broke so I had to run down and borrow a guitar from the other teams. I managed to do so, from a person that I knew before.

While we were performing, the guy whom I borrowed the guitar from, he came out from backstage and proposed to me, right smack in the middle of the performance. I was so shocked. I couldn't answer him. I was with mixed feelings: excited that someone was proposing, afraid that this will be it, commitment. And then something else happened, I couldn't quite remember and I woke up, still haven't given the answer.

If it did happen in the real world, I might be running towards the other direction, not knowing what to do.

I have an aversion towards this kind of thing.

New old me.

As for everyone else, new year is a celebration that is much awaited. The streets will be alive till the wee hours of the morning. Party-goers are seen in throngs almost everywhere you turn. Well-wishers, doing their routine SMS and Messenger texts to all the people that they know with the same wish: "happy new year and many more to come" yada.... yada.....

But as for me, there is nothing fancy about new year unless I was with my loved ones, my family. Half of them are 443km away and half of them are a whole other continent away. So, I don't feel that there is any point of me celebrating. So, I did the smart thing and I slept off, trying to catch up with the sleep deficit that I was hoarding.

At 12 midnight sharp of year 2011, I woke up to the sound of fireworks. WOW! Really? This place allows fireworks, what with it being a state that does not allow any form of entertainment. I took my very late shower and I couldn't even force myself to sleep after that. What am I to do?

The first thing that I did in 2011 was to register myself with SPA, the body that deals with me being a government servant soon enough. That shows how eager, desperate, more like, of me to be a doctor. In the darkness of my room, only lit by my table lamp that was fixed with energy-saving bulb, I surfed the online ocean and did me a favour by being a registered member of the government.

I only managed to catch some sleep at 3am, after doing some reading. Really, books are the best to cure my insomnia.

At 0630h, I was awake, but I couldn't sustain my consciousness because of the lack of sleep. I finally woke up at 0800h. I was hoping the day would be filled with more book reading sessions.

But I failed gloriously to do so. My attention span is only 30 minutes, trust me.

So, there goes. To start off 2011, I self diagnose me with Tourette's, whatever that is.

A new year, same old me.

My life goes tick tock

Yesterday started off with an SMS saying that the patient that I am following her progress has been admitted to Labour Room. Lets just call her Mrs B.

Actually, I wanted to sleep in yesterday and go to the hospital a little later than usual since I didn't get enough rest and sleep the day before. But as soon as my alarm went off and i put it to snooze, the SMS came in. So, as a true medical person, I dragged myself up and got ready as soon as possible to get to the hospital.

The day went on from labour room to cardiac resus room to medical wards. I was joining the other teams to gather more knowledge. Around noon, when I went back to LR to check on Mrs B, there was still no progress. She was still in latent phase of labour.

Since I had some other urgent matters to attend to, I left the hospital and went on to run some errands. As usual, banks are never lack of customers. Waiting is just another favourite pastime to be done in the bank. The hour moved on and it is already time to go for my aerobics.

After a who hour of aerobics, I went home thinking that OK, it is time to kick back and relax. Have a nice shower and have dinner. But even before my sweat could dry off, I got a call saying that Mrs B is going to be sent for emergency C-sect due to secondary labour arrest. Oh God!

I changed into my hospital clothes without even taking a shower,wiped my face and made a move. At the hospital, it was another episode of waiting as the emergency OT was busy at that moment. At that time, I was hungry, I was tired. But I couldn't show that to her because she needs my smiley face to reassure her that everything will be fine.

Finally into the OT. Everything went on smoothly, Alhamdulillah. She delivered a baby boy and when I showed her the baby, the smile on her face just took all that I had in my head at that moment, away. I didn't feel tired, I didn't feel hungry. I just felt elated that I could see her smile. All her anxiety and worries are gone.

Went home, cooked dinner, had dinner and cleaned up. I sat on the lazy chair, putting Dexter on my notebook. I didn't realized that I fell asleep on the lazy chair. I actually moved myself to the bed only in the wee hours of the morning. That was how exhausted I was.

This will be the rest of my life.

Fun!

I haz the bug

It has been a long week for me, what with my travelling and arranging and being with my lovely sisters, and supposedly getting ready for my exams, which by the way, I didn't manage to do because I was so caught up with things.

Sunday was supposed to be a work day. But I was so sleepy I only managed to arrange some stuffs with my colleagues and doctors, then I knew I had to sleep. I was definitely deprived of it for the past week. So, I decided to stay home and catch some snooze. I didn't even manage to find a patient for my clinical assessment the following day.

Monday came around and I was as calm as sea. I waltz into the wards and started looking for a patient. I had only a an hour to clerk my patient and present her for my assessment. I did it as quick as I can and waited for my professor to come and assess me.

I was trying my level best to keep cool and calm down during the assessment. With my friends in tow, it was like I was on stage, performing for them. But what threw me off the spotlight was when the questions keep on coming in without letting me think for even a second. I started to tie myself up and ended up in a knot, which I slowly tried to get out of. I pulled through the assessment.

Then, the next person, a friend whom I didn't know was sick. She is an A student. She can answer any questions at all. But at one point, she had to sit and she looked terrible. I found out that she was sick. And I was standing near her.

Monday evening, I started to cough. Thinking it was just a reflex, I shoved the thought of being sick, away. Cough.... cough.... cough... I finally got it. I haz the bug..... X_x

Only on Tuesday, I started taking medicine for my illness. Within 30mins of the meds, I was already in deep sleep. I didn't even have dinner, I didn't even hear people knocking on my door.

Wednesday: I got sick in my mouth. Had to endure the long hour in the OT but I pulled through. In the evening, I decided that I had to fight this. I had to go out. I went for my aerobics which I haven't attended for one whole week. Towards the end, I passed out because the bug really got me.

Being sick is terrible... X_x

Words cannot convey

I was jogging just now with the earplugs in my ears. Wasn't any song in particular but suddenly I started snickering. I risked being called a weirdo, and almost laughed my heart out when songs, other than the ones that I was actually listening to, was playing in my head.

And these songs (Can't touch this, Airplane, Rojak) remind me so much of my dear sisters. I miss being with them, laughing our hearts out at nothing and everything. There is not a dull moment between us. The only time that we are quiet is when one of us falls asleep, and that will be me, as I am the first to fall asleep all the time especially during movie nights.


Life is funny when we are near, we drive each other crazy with our own uniqueness. But when we are apart, we can't stand the distance.

I always go through the pictures in my phone which is mostly of my family. And I found this picture that fits perfectly in my homescreen. My Mamak and the love of her life, Shadi.

We can never agree on one thing. But I am pretty sure that we can agreen on this: we miss each other like crazy and nothing can describe that feeling right now.

Childbirth

The first night when I clocked in for my oncall in the Labour Room, I thought to myself: "owhhh.... this is gonna be a long one". Since this is all about waiting, and waiting, and more waiting.

Then I went to my first room because the mother has already been screaming in the room due to labour pain. So I assume some action is going on in there to deliver the child.

As I flipped the curtain, immediately, I saw a baby's head in between the mother's leg. I saw her face that showed indescribable agony. And all I could think of at that precise moment was: Mamak.

I replaced everyone in the Labour Room with my life. The mother is Mamak, the baby is me, the staffs were all from UHKL instead from HSB.

I love my Mamak. That is all that I wanted to say actually.

I had the BEST day of my life. No one can beat it. Seriously

I woke up today at 0550h, thinking that there was class at 0630h. i got the message and the class was cancelled. fine, back to bed. But when I woke up, I realized that I was sleeping underneath my mattress instead of on top of it. Wow, I must be that tired.

The day went on. I had to send my car to the foreman because it couldn't start. When it did start, it died immediately after a few kilometres. 3 times the foremen had to come to fix the car and they finally found the REAL problem. Now my car is in the workshop.

When I was waiting by the roadside for the foremen to fix my car, I left my file on top of his car. Didn't know that the wind was strong enough to blow away my file and the papers inside it. I managed to rescue all of the papers except for one: the most important one, my class' ORIGINAL attendance.

Then in the heat of the day, I tried to tie my hair up with my birthday present that was given to me by my classmate. While I was trying to do that, it broke. Great. Just great.

I had a call from a guy with double pangkat saying that I MUST be there for the meeting. But I told him that I can't make it due to some problems. But he claimed that it was an ORDER. I tried to explain to him in my nicest way that I can't meet him and he said that I was doing things all up to my convenience. He really does not know how much I tried to be responsible in my professional life and also in my personal life. He thinks that I am lying on my back all the time doing nothing? Well, everyone can go ahead and believe that. I have no comments.

And I have continuos assessment tomorrow.

Anyone had a better day than mine?

Caught in the middle

There are countless times when I get caught in the middle between this side of the story and that side of the story. Let me tell you that it ain't easy to please both sides when you are caught in the middle.

You will hear stories from both sides. Sometimes, you tend to be siding one party form the other. But when you sit and analyze, you finally realize that they is always one party better than the other.

When in the middle, you are bound to keep secrets. They tell you everything that you don't even want to know in the first place. But a wise woman once told me that: "information in power. Do not offer any unless asked". So right now, with all the informations that I have on so many parties, does that make me a powerful person? Does that make me more advantageous that I could manipulate the situation to make me the winner in the whole story?

I don't think so because I am not like that.

Yes, I am almost like a sponge, I absorb all the stories and keep it in me for sometime, and then, it just evaporates into thin air. Why would I tell on you? I wasn't brought up that way.

This morning, I was put on the ultimate test of being caught in the middle. I don't want one party to hate me for going to the other party. But I am doing that because I want to make myself happy. I mean, come on, if I try too much to please everyone else, then, what about me, myself, and I?

Almost blacked out

Today is the last day of my Syawal month fating. I was determined to do it because it is almost the end of Syawal and I have yet to complete my 6 days. At the same time, today is the first ever day after Ramadhan that it doesn't rain on Monday evenings, which means, the aerobics session that I regularly go to, is definitely on.

At first I was abit reluctant to go as I am afraid that I might overwork myself during the session (as I am well known to give it my all during the sessions), but then again, I used to go jogging in the evenings in the month of Ramadhan, so I guess this wouldn't make a difference.

Initially, I started the session with slow steps, not increasing my intensity. But I can't control myself, it is just natural that i increase my intensity as the session goes on further. I was ok even after the cardio part of the session. I was ok during the dance part. But it was the muscle conditioning part that challenged me the most.

I almost fainted.

I was doing all kind of stretches and pumps, holding my muscles in strained positions to get the right workout. Towards the last 5 mins of the session, my head started to hurt due to the hypoglycaemia. My vision started to blur and darkened. I knew what was going to happen next. I staggered my way to the corner and sat down with my head down to get whatever remaining sugar in my body, to my brain.

I used to get this hypoglycaemic episodes when I was on meds for my obesity when I was 12 years old. But I stopped the meds because it was really dangerous.

Thank God I knew the signs that I might faint. Or else, I would be in A & E right now....

Save the dates

No, not for my wedding, not yet at least. But those dates that I circled in purple, those are the days that will determine my being a qualified Medical Bachelor, Bachelor of Surgery, in short, a Doctor.

We finally got the dates and it seems all so real now. I am anxiously anticipating for those days to come. It's like I love to hate those days, and at the same time, I hate to love them too.

Let me put some details:
-24th Jan 2010: Medicine, Psychology, Paediatric theory paper
-28th Jan 2o1o: Surgery, OBGYN, Orthopedics theory paper
-7th Feb 2010: OSCE
-9th Feb 2010: Bedside examination (3 short cases)
-10th Feb 2010: Bedside examination (1 long case)

Pray for me :)

Can you keep a secret?

Many times people that I know ask me THAT question: "Do you have a boyfriend?". My simple answer is: "No".

So, am I really single and available or am I not? Let me clear your minds that the answer to that question is for me to know and for you to find out, not anytime soon, though. I don't like, like some people I actually know (admittedly shameful to say, related to), LOVES to popularise their love lives on the net, on Facebook, no less. I mean, what is the motive really? Isn't it supposed to be personal and confidential? But when the question like: "When can I save the date already?", arise to their ears, they will be so hesitant to answer it, like as if the question was so acid to take.

I don't know, the way I bring myself, I am sure that many might think that I am snobbish at the first glance. Once I start talking, then they'd really know who I am. I am rather reserved to people whom I am not closed to.

Many a times, guys are bound not to come and approach me simply because I have a strong aura, so they say. Well, yes, I do agree I am confident of myself or at least I try to be, simply because I don't want people to belittle me. But deep inside, I am just an ordinary girl, minus the bimbo hooty crap.

Guys, they like to ask me about my status but only a few that went further and ask me out. I don't usually take the offer because somehow I know that we won't click. Well I am not choosy, I just don't like to waste time.

Let me just declare my status here that I am flirty.

Can?

hahahhahah

Wild me

OK, so what if I have like 10 piercings on each ear?
OK, so what if I have RED hair?
OK, so what if I don't wear the hijab?
OK, so what if I don't speak the local language that fluent?

Does that make me different?
Of course it does.

Does that give you the right to call me a social butterfly (i.e too social) kind of girl?
No, that ain't right.

Get to know me first before you judge me. At least I know I am true to myself and I don't talk behind people, I tell them straight to their faces.