I remember

I still remember that night, when you and her were discussing about me, about my future. Telling me the options, telling me what is best for me, oh, I'm sorry, telling me what you think is best for me.

You even secretly went through my personal files. Looking through my performances all those while. It was part of my mistake for leaving my stuffs around like that. But that was my house, I was allowed to do so. But as a guest, I am sure you would know better because you are older, and should have been wiser.

I looked up to you to help me just because my Mamak wasn't around. She was out in the world working her heart out to support all of her children, all on her own. She trusted you to give the best advise to me. She trusted you because you are the one that should have been the pillar to us all.

But then you told me, that I wasn't cut out for this. That I wasn't smart enough to give this a try, to give studying medicine a try. You even suggested another discipline that I have no idea of, that I have no interest of. You didn't trust me enough that I could do medicine.

Thank God I went against you.

Maybe I am not as smart as your children. Maybe I am not as confident as them. But let me tell you this, I am glad that I am not like them at all because now, they are just confused. They are being people who they are not deep inside. You know what, I pity them, and most of all, I pity you.

I have long forgiven you because everyone makes mistakes, especially adults like you who think that the world revolves around you. But I can never forget those words that you said to me that night: "I don't think you can do medicine because your results are not good"

It was a long journey for me. It wasn't like a bed of roses, which I thank God for because now, I truly appreciate what I have achieved and it has humbled me so much, Alhamdulillah.

I can only thank you for not believing in me because now, I have proven you wrong.

What a pity.

they need love

although we were there not too long, but they warmed up to each and everyone of us immediately. i am so humbled to see the innocent faces that crave for attention and love. although they lack many things, they are still happy and thankful for what they have.

sometimes i wish i have a heart like theirs.

kadang2 aku harap sangat ramadhan sampai setahun tau!

kenapa?

iye la, hari tu masa ramadhan, aku rasa la, rasa je ni, aku tak sukat pun. aku rasa yang aku ada la loose some weight kat rambut aku, kat gigi aku huhuh....

tapi, bila dah raya ni, baru masuk raya ke-3 ok, aku rasa aku dah gain balik weight kat segala tempat yang tak patut!!! huarrrggghhh!!!! X_x

semua sebab makan.

di sini aku nak buat pengakuan:
-aku punya usual diet, terus hancur masa raya sebab apa, sebab aku bukan kat rumah aku sendiri and orang dah pelawa and aku takleh nak tolak sebab aku tak nak orang cakap aku ni mengada atau tak appreciate pelawaan orang. my mum taught me well. aku pandai jaga diri.
-aku terpaksa juga gagahkan diri makan nasi sebab i ran out of excuses not to.
-kuih2 raya yang ada depan mata tu, kalau tak habis satu pinggan, sure diaorang akan duduk sama and make sure habiskan. aku nak kata apa? masuk dalam beg? beg pun aku tak bawa.
-tapi aku tak makan lemang atau ketupat palas. alasan ~>aku tak makan pulut. thank God yang tu boleh diterima akal. huhuhuh.....

tapi yang aku pelik tu, walau derang makan macam mana pun, badan masing2, semua sama ada maintain, atau kurus. tak pulak aku nampak yang gemuk2 kat tempat tu. i think it is all their way of living la kan.

anyway, pas ni, jgn harap aku nak ulang aksi yang sama. serious i am back to my usual diet. huhuhhuh

ma, i AM thinking nak join you all to start balik next week... huhuh... kita buat secara perhubungan jarak jauh ok ;)

p/s: i love you guys and miss you much!!!
pp/s: aku tak regret to stay back and raya kat kedah. it was well worth it. with my family in my heart, my smile never ceased :)

kenal tak saper tu?

macam kenal je kan? kan?

=P

everywhere i go, you are with me too

has it been a good 3 months or 4, that i have not seen my mammy?

i am not too sure. but the time seems slow, when i count the days till we meet again.

but nevertheless, where ever i go, whatever that i am doing, there must be those some little things that will find its way to slip into my daily doings, just to give me a little reminder of my mammy.

my mammy, she is a durianophile, if there were such a word in the dictionary, the immediate meaning will be: REd's mammy. she loves durian. the smell of it makes her tremble and palpitate in anticipation to get those soft fleshy little darlings into her mouth to excite her tastebuds.

i can't stand durian. even the sight of it makes me heat up.

i used to hate it when she'd buy them by the baskets and bring them home. the whole house will be making me feel faint. i will pull a long face, just because i can't stand the whiff that haunts every little space in the house.

it is durian season now. it is everywhere, by the roadside, on the trees, in TESCO, on lorries, EVERYWHERE. what i would give to bear that spiky parcel of joy for my mammy, so that she'd come back for a short trip here.


my mammy, eventhough she trots the globe, used to live in major hotels because of her work, and is the king of BEJEWELED, her modern lifestyle will never take her fancy away from the simple "dapur arang". she loves cooking on this dapur instead of the modern hotplate or gas stove that is readily available.

don't ask me why, i have no idea.

even in our old house, we have 2 kitchens: the modern, and then the traditional, where she installed the dapur arang kitchen top, just so she can satisfy her cooking dreams. she will huff and puff and cook using the dapur arang only. with her sweat dripping, her clothes smelling of smoke, there was always a smile on her face. the sign of satisfaction. her happiness fulfilled, just by using the dapur arang.

my neighbour's mother was around for the weekend. she brought the dapur arang to cook meals for him since he does not even have a functioning kitchen to begin with. as soon as i saw the mother starting the fire, my mammy stood there beside me. not literally though. i could feel her. the smell of smoke reminds me of how she will be smelling like as soon as the meal was done and we were seated at the table to enjoy her cooking.


and yesterday, while i was in Sultanah Bahiyah, at the hydrotherapy room, there she was again, not her exactly, but that tiny duckling, that reminds me of her.

why the duck, you ask?

well, mammy's hubby calls her that. her "nama manja" that he coined for her. everyone, even her friends and my aunts know that she is the duckling. most of her gifts are with somekind of duckling motif.

and there it was, a duckling, singled out from the other water toys that i was looking at at the hydrotheraphy room.

really mammy, everywhere i go, there you are too, in my heart.

panggilan dari kekasih lama yang masih confuse samada dia sayang ke tidak kekasih terkini dia. tapi dia ada cakap yang dia rindu kat aku.

kalau fon aku bunyi, pastu caller display tulis "Private No." memang aku takyah nak fikir dua kali, mmg sah2 yang call itu adalah Yuki. dah lama dah Yuki tak call, tapi ntah apa angin dia hari ni, dia call aku. aku saspek dia terkena angin El Nino kott. maklum la sekarang ni kan ke ada ura2 yang El Nino nak bertiup lagi.

aku jawap fon macam biasa je. tapi masa tu aku agak tengah rushing sket. so aku cakap kalau dia nak borak, call lain la. aku sangka dia tak nak call. sekali mana tau, dia call aku balik. dan bermulalah perbualan kami.

cerita aku ngan Yuki sangat complicated. tapi, walau macam mana, banyak benda pasal Yuki yang aku ingat. paling tak best sekali, geng yang kami kenal, saling know each other. jadi, kalau aku tak update dia pasal aku, dia akan diupdate oleh orang lain. kadang2 tu, Yuki siap update aku lagi pasal kawan2 yang lama aku tak berkecimpung dengan. yang paling pelik, Yuki ngan aku bukan la sama sekolah, kolej, atau uni. kami kenal secara tak sengaja.

so, tadi Yuki called. dia kata dia rindu kat aku and masih sayang kat aku. dia kata aku macam dah berubah, tak macam dulu. dulu aku agak snobby and ada attitude. but sekarang bila bercakap ngan aku, Yuki cakap aku macam dah lembut and makin tenang. dia dah berapa kali ajak aku keluar, tapi aku tak pernah nak temui permintaan itu.

and everytime Yuki calls, dia akan kasi tau aku status dia sama kekasih terkini dia, iaitu kawan aku juga. mereka ni sangat pelik, kejap break, kejap kaple, kejap break. ntah apa apa ntah. and yang paling takleh terima akal, kawan aku tu tak kasi Yuki berkawan ngan aku, risau yang Yuki ngan aku akan kembali together. alahai.... aku tak terfikir ke arah tu pun.

Yuki masih panggil aku "sayang". but aku panggil dia "dude". apa jadah aku nak panggil dia "sayang" kan? walaupun dah lama kami tak bersama, birthday dia aku masih ingat lagi. and he was like so touched. "because of this la i sayang you, you tau tak?" errrr..... tak.

ntah arr... kadang2 aku kesian kat Yuki pun ada juga because dia mcam stuck in a relationship that he is not sure of. tapi sebelum aku end the call, aku pesan kat dia:

"dude, nak 1000 daya, tak nak 1000 dalih. so, you decide la"

Yuki nak jumpa aku masa aku balik cuti nnt. tgk arr....

hitam itu emas

sebagai cucu perempuan pertama belah ayah aku, aku mmg teramat manja sama Atok aku. tapi sayang, Atok aku sama Nek Picai aku dah selamat kembali ke Rahmatullah. Atok aku meninggal waktu aku umur 3 tahun dan Nek Picai aku meninggal waktu aku kat Russia. itu mmg news yang amat mengejutkan la. marilah kita sama sedekah kan Al-Fatihah kepada arwah Ibrahim Ismail dan Salbiah.... Al-Fatihah.....

***

seperti aku cakap tadi la, aku memang manja sama Atok aku. dia la yang bela aku masa aku kecik2 sementara mak ayah aku pergi kerja. Atok aku masa tu dah tak kerja sebab tiap kali pun, dia ada kat rumah. pagi2 mak ayah aku akan hantar aku dan abang aku pergi rumah Atok kat Kelana Jaya. sementara abang aku sibuk menimba ilmu kat Tadika Kemas yang terletak kat padang taman perumahan tu, aku tinggal di rumah bersama Atok. Nek Picai pun takde sebab dia pergi kerja. Nek Picai aku kerja tukang masak kat Hospital Pergigian yang kat Bangsar tu. mana tak jadi kanak2 obese aku ni. dah la dia masak sedap dan rumah tu memang tak lekang dengan makanan dan rezeki. alhamdulillah.....

Atok aku, dia rugged punya style. dok rumah pakai t-shirt pagoda putih sama kain pelikat. dia kurang percaya kepada pemakaian benda2 dalaman. katanya nak kasi "angin" baekk punya. ini makin dikonpemkan bila aku tengok jemuran yang dia bawa keluar, memang takde langsung kelibat seluar kecik kaum adam. Atok aku memang sempoi la. dia tak suka sangat tengok TV, dia lebih kepada melayan karenah aku.

petang2 sebelum Nek Picai aku pulang, kami melepak kat port kami. Atok aku masak air, buat teh-o kaww punya. serious, teh dia yang paling sedap ok, mamak kat simpang depan pun takleh nak lawan. sambil duduk kat kerusi malas yang jenis otai2 cina je guna tu, kami layan minum teh-o. Aku minum guna botol, Atok aku minum dari cawan. apa tebiat dia nak minum pakai botol?

Atok aku sama Nek Picai, dua2 hisap rokok. memang rockers habis la. aku ingat lagi rokok apa derang hisap. zaman la ni dah takde dah jenis rokok tu. pernah dengar Perilly's? (mungkin aku salah eja) ok la, maybe korang tak ingat. pernah dengar tag line "hitam itu emas"? haaa... tu la dia. apa barang nak hisap rokok daun? derang tak main tu semua. rokok tu derang share sekotak. bila dah habis, pergi kedai Andak beli lagi.

walaupun aku terdedah pada aktivity merokok ni sejak kecil, alhamdulillah, aku tak mengikut. tapi aku ni manusia yang jenis amat curious. semua benda aku nak tahu. walaupun la aku baru nak umur 3 tahun, macam2 benda aku boleh ingat dan aku ingin mencari punca setiap benda itu. nak dijadikan cerita, suatu tengah hari, Atok aku tengah tidur siang. aduhhh sangat comel rupa dia. macam teddybear. aku tak tahu nak buat apa, sebab sebelum tu aku buat2 tido supaya Atok tido sama. kalau tak, dia akan berjaga. nanti macam mana aku nak jalankan aktivity2 belakang tabir. cilik tak aku? cilik kan?

krooohhhhh.....krohhhhh....krrrooohhhh.....

ok, confirm Atok aku dah jauh dalam alam mimpi di siang hari. aku pun amik bedak. aku main bedak. tell me la, budak mana tak main bedak? memang tak maju la kalau budak tak main bedak. aku bedak kan satu muka dia. dah rupa opera cina pun iye juga. dia sedap je lena. aku dah mula bosan. aku simpan balik bedak, aku nampak kotak hitam ada lining emas. ahhhhh... tu yang aku nak tu....

aku capai kotak rokok tu, aku amik port baik depan pintu rumah. setau aku, masa tu dah nak petang dah tu. aku buka kotak tu perlahan2, aku tarik satu batang rokok keluar. aku belek, aku tengok, aku kaji. apa la sedapnya rokok ni yang sampai leh habis sekotak dua dalam satu hari? ada gula-gula ke kat tengah-tengah rokok ni yang buat dia addictive sangat? ke dia rasa macam rendang ayam yang Nek Picai aku masak masa raya puasa? aku pun mula la kajian aku. mula2 aku koyakkan kertas batang rokok tu. bersepai tembakau jatuh atas lantai. aku tarik lagi satu batang rokok. aku patahkan pulak. tarik lagi.... hancurkan.... tarik lagi.... dari 16 batang, tinggal 1 batang je rokok dalam tu. tak sempat aku nak habiskan kajian aku, dah nampak kelibat Nek Picai turun teksi, baru balik kerja.

aku dah tak tahu nak buat apa. muka Nek Picai dah macam cuka. lagi2 dia nampak aku nyer kerja. belum dia jejak masuk, dia dah bersuara. aku mula cuak. Atok aku pun dah terjaga mendengar leteran Nek Picai. Nek Picai terus ke dapur nak amik rotan. Atok aku dah bingkas bangun. Nek Picai kejar aku. aku berlari2 anak. tapi menyebabkan aku terlalu "comel" stamina pun takde, aku takleh nak lari laju, lari jauh lagi la tak boleh. aku panik, tak tahu nak pergi mana. aku tau kalau dapat ni, memang rotan la yang jadi lauk aku petang tu. nasib la aku ni pantas berfikir. aku lari ke arah Atok aku, dan Nek Picai dah takleh buat apa dah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
soalan yang sentiasa menghantui aku pabila kami sekeluarga bersama cousins and aunty aku mengimbas kembali masa silam:

"lynn, you nampak apa masa you menyorok dalam kain Atok tu?"

yang aku boleh confirmkan, memang system "peng-anginan" yang diamalkan oleh Atok aku, amat cemerlang dan efektif.

I miss you sooooo much Atok.

you are in my prayers and my heart and my mind, every single day, even till today.

she kissed a girl

ada sekali tu, aku pergi bandar sengsorang. jalan2 cari benda. masa dekat2 nak balik tu, aku jalan la kat row of shops neh, and i saw one old lady being aggressive. marah2 tak tentu pasal. screaming at God-knows-what and shouting her anger out in public. people were just staring at her. immediately, aku bisik dalam hati aku: "i am so going to see you in the [psychiatric] ward soon".

true enough, selang beberapa hari tu, dia mmg dah kena admit. bukan aku doakan dia masuk wad mental. but she needs help, and help was what she was getting when she was admitted. once aku nampak dia dalam ward, i tried to speak to her. tried to understand what made her so angry. initially, cara dia jawap tu, mmg garang la. but aku tak give up. i kept on asking. mengiyakan aja apa yang dia cakap. then, tetiba dia blah, dah tak nak cakap ngan aku.... takpe... i let her go do what she wants.

then, days passed. aku tak cakap ngan dia. but instead, masa aku tgh interview patients lain, she will come and say something (serious takleh nak faham sangat apa dia cakap because of her loghat and also she was talking irrelevantly) to me. aku layan, just to show her that i am open for her to tell me anything. there are times, when i am alone sitting kat meja interview tu, she will come. asked to see my watch and complimented it. after that, i will ask her back if she has one. and then the story will flow....

day after day, i saw her getting better. less angry, more calm. i didn't follow up her case from her case sheet. i just observed her daily. for some reason, she does not talk to others as calmly while she was talking to me. today, aku tgk dia dah tukar baju. instead of wearing the ward clothes, she already changed into her daily clothes. mmg selalu tgk scene ni. pesakit akan tukar baju, in hope nak balik. but after that, kena salin balik sebab they are not discharged yet, they can't be anyway.

so, i walked passed *Mak Miah, who was already changed into her own baju kurung and donning her orange tudung. i asked if she was discharged already, and she said that she is going home. she was still saying some things, but aku totally tak faham. aku cuma mampu angguk and senyum pada dia. then Mak Miah hulur tangan. so, aku salam tangan dia. she usually does that anyway, for the last few days. but today was different. tetiba, Mak Miah pegang bahu aku and pulled me close to her. she kissed my cheeks like how a grandma would kiss her grandchild. aku terkejut. the nurses, the patients, the others, they were looking at the scene. shock was on their faces.

lepas Mak Miah cium pipi aku, aku cakap kat dia, jaga diri. and true enough, hari ni mmg Mak Miah kena discharge, which means she is well enough to be out there again.

tak sangka pula that Mak Miah rasa rapat ngan aku.... tetiba terasa rindu pula pada nenek aku sendiri.

Alhamdulillah... aku doakan Mak Miah akan sembuh secepatnya....

congratulations

team A1: the first team from batch 9 to graduate from orthopedics posting

from L-R: Ch'ng Chia Hwei (the most soft spoken girl ever!), Cheah Ping Ping (the Google.com of the batch), Amirthai Saras (the risk assesser), Arulselvi (the pretty one), Cassandra Elaine (the genius of the lot), Alia Asha'ari (the crowd pleaser), Cheah Li Lynn (the blur bambi), Beh Boon Ping (the IT analyst). missing from this picture: Anita Vallimalar (the fashion Queen).

in so many ways

we are different.

but in so many ways too

we unite.

we laugh

but we never cried

we took all the challenges they threw at us

with smiles on our faces

and determination in our hearts.

we were strong as individuals

and we became stronger

because we realised

the potentials that are within us.

when one falls

the rest rush to aid,

when one slows

the rest push them straight,

when one weakens

the rest is there on the wait.

we step as an individual

but we walk as a team.

thank you team A1 for being such a trooper. congratulations!

Simply Us...

a simple hug (saras - REd)

almost a kiss on the cheek (arul - REd)

preserved but naughty (nivas - jashi)

model and makeup artist (saras - arul)

her first and my new kurungs (arul - REd)

the memories with you lovelies are deeply embeded in my heart....

they said.....

some things that were said during the last 2 weeks that i think is rather cute and witty....i just wanna share this with you guys.

• standard one pupil to me (was wearing my Diamond-Blakfan): "doctor, awat doctor pakai kasut macam ni?"
• Thava, when asked if he accidentally fell, as we heard things crashing in the kitchen: "no la, everything else fell, except for me :) "
• nivas, when asked how come we group of girls have very few luggage: "we are simple people, you see"
• dinesh, when told to make sure that the pictures turn out pretty: "sorry arr, there is no setting for that :)"
• thava to me, when i donned the newly made kurung: "is that the new kurung that you made? hey, it is really nice" *blush blush....
• me to one of the Vektorians who was telling me to not tremble so much while i was smearing the sample for filaeriasis: "yes, doctor" (i so want to see him try!)

there are more actually, but i couldn't quite remember. the memories that we had there was AWESOME, to say the least. i am missing it already....

between yee sang and lasagne

last friday, out of the spur of the moment, we decided to have a potluck dinner with ucu and the girls, and pott and sha. yah, as the excellent chef-in-training that she is, made lasagne upon the request of quida, one of our favourite cousins. yah also made her famous sardine rolls that are much loved by the socialite circle of philantrophists. seriously, i ain't kidding! ucu on the other hand, being the great cook that she is, made sambal sardine, tauhu bakar, and nasi goreng bodo. yes, that is another type of nasi goreng to be added in the list of available nasi gorengs.



it was a lovely dinner. not mainly because of the dishes that were served. but definitely because of the company and the closeness that we felt. the conversations that we had were endless. we didn't run out topics. from whatever that is happening around the world at the moment to the downright embarassing moments that occured in out childhood.

that house where the dinner was held, that is a really old house. it was around even before my brother was born and it is still standing albeit the many changes that was done to the house. changes were made to keep up with the restoration of the house. but that does not change the memories that the four walls (and gates) held. we were laughing at the things that we did when we were young. how our late grandparents loved us more than life itself (of course there were times when they wanted to just crush us to crumbles because we were too much to handle). how much fun we had and the things we learned about life.

as the night grew on, the stories too started to get more exciting. but of course we had to leave. another good memory for the house to keep and hold.

if the chinese have yee sang to keep them together, we have lasagne. but then again, it is not the dish that matters. it is the people that we share it with that means a whole lot.

i love you guys....and hope there are many more of this to come ;)

P/S:ucu, jangan lupa our next get together when everyone's back!!

high school musical

nak cakap aku ni budak baik masa sekolah dulu, tak juga. nak cakap aku budak jahat masa sekolah dulu, tak juga. nak cakap aku budak popular masa sekolah dulu, harapan la. masa sekolah dulu, aku ni kira budak average la. takde apa2 yang special pun. cuma, disebabkan aku, ada satu cikgu kat sekolah tu, terus dendam sama kazens aku yang masuk lepas aku ciao dari sekolah tu. jap lagi aku cerita k. apa yang penting, byk gila memori best masa high school dulu. ni REd nak share sikit.

aku start masuk high school kat SMK (P) Sri Aman, PJ. kenapa aku chose sekolah tu? aku ikut kawan. masa tu, mana la aku reti nak pilih sekolah. tau tau kawan baik aku masuk sana, aku ikut je la. kami dua dari SRK Sri Petaling, PJ. bila masuk sri aman, jumpa lak ngan budak2 Kampung Tungku. sejak dari tu, geng sampai sekarang la. ain selalu cerita kat aku satu kisah yang terjadi masa kami form 2. aku tak berapa nak ingat sangat. but she remembered it as if it happened just yesterday.

kisah ni la yang membuat pn. azura benci naa kat aku sama kazens aku yang junior.

pn. azura ajar maths. dia juga cikgu homeroom kami. masa tu ada satu surat sekolah ni. parent kena sign. aku tak pasti la kenapa aku tak bawa surat tu kan. it is something yang 'wajib' kena sign. ala2 memaksa la juga. biasa la, sekolah kerajaan kan. mama rasa tak perlu tu semua. so, aku pergi sekolah, tangan kosong la. then pn. azura bising la. ugut nak call mak aku la apa la. aku ngan muka selamba: "cikgu, mak saya kata tak payah ni semua. mak saya kata kalau cikgu nak call, call lah". terus tergamam budak dalam klas. pn. azura punya muka masa tu, macam baru terbakar ke apa. aku, lepas cakap tu, duduk balik, buat bo.

tu kisah pertama.

kisah kedua pulak masa waktu maths. belajar menggunakan anu dalam maths. dia soh aku jawap. aku diri la jawap: "2x + 11y - 5z" .jawapan aku betul tapi pn. azura tak puas hati: " ok, jawapan tu betul. tapi bukan 'zii' ye, 'zett' ". e eh, gila ke apa? aku sebut huruf "Z" macam mana pun, boleh jadi masalah? lepas pada tu, bila dia soh aku jawap, aku tetap cakap 'zii' instead of 'zett'. bukan aku nak melawan dia. dah aku sebut macam tu. apa salahnya?

kan ke nama aku ada "Asha'ari". nama kazens aku pun ada juga sebab tu family name kami. bila aku dah naik tahun, and my kazens masuk, she picked on them pula. serious kesian budak2 tu. tapi nasib la dia ajar them for one year each aja. mmg sah cikgu tu saiko.

then masa form four, aku pindah sekolah.

aku pindah masuk KOLEJ TUANKU JA'AFAR, N9. cuba tengok gambar tu, teka mana aku. ehehhe

kenapa aku pindah? aku pindah sebab mama nak aku be mor independent. sebenarnya dia nak hantar aku gi PERTH masa aku form 2. dah register, dah bayar, tapi last minit aku cakap aku tak nak pergi. burn arr semua :P. bukan apa, masa tu aku takut nak tinggalkan umah maa... tapi bila dah masuk form 4, i was like: "why not kan?" so, masuk la KTJ.


aku wakil sekolah untuk girls' soccer. tak tere langsung....

masa form 5, aku jadi house prefect. kat KTJ ada school prefects (untuk budak A-levels aja), and ada house prefects (form 5 and above). kerja house prefects ni is menjaga keamanan house la kiranya. aku masa tu dalam jawahir house. KTJ ni sekolah yang sangat seronok la. selalu ada house competition, activity yang menarik, dance night, games, macam macam la.

ada sekali tu ada house musical competition. of course la setiap house nak menang kan. malam tu, kami kena practice kat hall, mengikut slot masa yang telah diberikan pada setiap house. ini supaya one house does not know what the other house is doing for the competition later. so, masa tu slot kami dah sudah. turn naquiyuddin house lak nak rehearse. but kami ni kan ke kepoh, nak juga tgk how was their performance going to be. sebab aku ni house prefect, aku menyalahgunakan kuasa aku untuk stay out of house, walaupun dah masa untuk balik ke house. aku salahgunakan kuasa bukan untuk buat jahat. tapi untuk jadi spy leman. aku gi spy house2 yang tgh rehearse. then aku report la kat team aku. gila arr. dalam gelap, nyorok kat belakang bush supaya housemaster tak nampak. lari across field bawah cahaya bulan la. macam macam....

last2, tak memang juga. adoiyayy......

rindu gila masa sekolah dulu.

T - 0: ....and lift off....

pukul 3 pagi, aku masih tak tido lagi. macam biasa la, 'what else is new?' bak kata frank sweetenham (orang putih). tapi aku takleh tido sebab hati aku masih menangis, walau aku dah lebih dari 2 jam berhenti menangis physically. bukan aku ngada nak meleleh airmata, bukan aku ni kaki melalak, tapi the tears flow without my control. bukan salah aku. tapi salah keadaan. keadaan yang membuatkan nana, mama, and shad fly off....



alhamdulillah, sempat juga aku balik untuk spend kurang dari 7jam ngan derang, right before they fly. takpe la, singkat pun singkat la, janji ada. better something than nothing kan?

masa sampai kat airport, masa check in, masa chilling, semua ok. aku masih leh gelak, masih leh buat lawak. but most of the time aku nak jalan and stick to nana and mama. masa itu emas, i don't want to loose those precious moments. tolong load the luggage kat atas belt tu. selalunya our travel bags consist of clothes only. ni, luggages derang siap ada barang2 umah lagi. it felt too different to me.

right before derang turun g kastam, lepak kat bench area dekat ngan McD tu. macam biasa, our family jester (read: pott) buat lawak lawak antarabangsa dia kat sana. we were just talking, shad and yah pergi beli burger king, nana and i snap happy. the scene looked perfect, like a little family picnic, if not for the fact that they had to leave a few minutes later.

time to go.

semua orang tengah peluk cium. aku diri sana macam tunggul, tak nak bergerak, tak nak bercakap. nana datang peluk aku, ok lagi, bleh tahan lagi. tanpa aku perasaan, pipi aku dah basah, aku peluk nana kuat kuat, nasihatkan dia. then, reluctantly aku lepas dia. mama's turn. all i did was hugged her. she said somethings which i can't register at that moment. but i clearly heard her say "i love you", and there was a pause before she continued. deep in my heart, i know that she was expecting me to say it back. i am sorry ma, bukan i tak nak cakap. i tak dapat nak cakap sebenarnya. my mouth was shut tight with the emotion. after dah salam ngan shad, derang semua turun.

pipi aku makin basah. mulut aku masih tak mampu nak buka. cuma tangan aku yang melambai lambai.

selamat tinggal keluarga ku. have fun in the new home.

and mama.....i love you too.....

Pemergian dan penyiksaan

Pemergian itu satu penyiksaan
Taatkala yang pergi untuk selamanya
Ialah yang paling bermakna di dalam hidup kita

Pemergian itu satu penyiksaan
'Pabila ia terjadi
Tanpa amaran, tanpa dugaan

Pemergian itu satu penyiksaan
Sering hati ini berbisik tertanya
"Mengapa bukan diriku, mengapa dia?"

Pemergian itu satu penyiksaan
Betapa luruh air mata ini
Kehilangan yang dirasai tiada pengganti

Pergilah wahai insan
Aku hanya mampu mendoakan
Agar jasadmu diterima bumi, dan rohmu dicucuri Tuhan.

~~REd


AL-Fatihah buat Arwah Uncle Ainol Hisham.

you are missed.

Amin.

orang naik haji, aku naik angin.

sebelum raya hari tu, aku sempat la balik KL for awhile. tu yang sempat tengok umah baru, jalan2 kat OU, jalan2 kat kawasan umah baru. kira sejak petang friday lepas sampai tengah hari kelmarin, mmg bz manjang la.

hari sabtu pagi, kami bertolak ke kedah. aku excited sangat cause finally la kan, the whole family dapat datang to the place where i am living in currently. malam tu aku bawa derang gi makan kat tanjung dawai. wah!! makan lima orang aja. tapi meja penuh macam 11 orang! but alhamdulillah, semua muka happy and kenyang. the bill came up to rm138, aku dah risau la kalau mama nnt bising kat aku sebab recommend tempat mahal (pada aku dah kira mahal tu) but she was like "this place is cheap!!". aku pun diam aja la, happy. i guess if compared to KL mmg tempat macam ni murah la kan and plus the catches are uber fresh!

pagi raya tu, we all pergi to my foster parents house in merbok. yeah, tak macam raya2 yang lepas, this year, we raya with my fosters. this year also our rezeki murah, alhamdulillah. dapat la jalankan ibadah korban sekeluarga. kan ke my nuclear family is not the typical nuclear family. so masa kat kampung tu, people were staring, but i can't blame them. i just let them be. i am happy that they are so accomodating to my family and melayan kami super best punya. lepas dah selesai semua urusan and raya, we all bertolak ke penang pula.

buat apa lagi kat penang, jalan sakan la!

then, 2nd day raya haji, time for the fam to go back to KL. but before they balik, singgah dulu kat my fosters' place. sementara my mak sibuk menggulai kat dapur with my mum, me and my sisters attempted the impossible (for us la...). kami pergi kait kelapa muda. didn't know that susah gila ok!

ye la, kelapa dah cantik and rimbun. mama and shad demam pulak. so, nak cabut kelapa untuk derang and also aku nak juga try my hands on this kan. first guna galah buloh. sampai patah la aku kerjakan galah tu. then, cari punya cari, jumpa pula paip besi, apa lagi, amik je la.

dah la panas terik. kat kampung ni, kena la dress bebetul kan. i mean, for my sisters it is ok, but for me, faham2 aja la. then, dengan tengkok aku yang dah nak tercabut ni, dengan kerengge yang dominating the pokok, kami berusaha (most of the time aku le yang mengait). nana was the photog while chanting "rojak. rojak." (hehehe.... this is our gambate chant :P ) . of course la tergelak macam orang gila. tenaga terus hilang sebab gelak banyak sangat.

pusing kiri la, pusing kanan la, bergayut kat dahan la, kelapa tak jatuh2 juga. usaha lagi! sampai ada part aku naik angin pun ada!! last2 berkat sabar, dapat la 4 biji kelapa muda. punya la happy macam first time jumpa kelapa ke apa.

then, masa untuk kopek kelapa. adoiiyayyy.... aku ingat senang la kan. dulu masa aku kopek kat kampung aku kat segamat, senang la. ni, aku tak reti sebab kena pakai parang. jadi, aku gave up, amira did most of the work. berpeluh2 kami! last2 dapat kopek SATU je kelapa muda tu. haisshh.... air dia pun tak sampai segelas. takpe arr.... sebab usah punya pasal, kami share la 4 orang.

lain kali, aku beli je la. senang sket.

My episode of kancheong kitchen

i woke up this morning and everything went haywire.

i was like shit!! this is it laa... my day already is in the drain.

but then again, not too soon should i be the judge. this is just one part of the good things that happened to me today. see, my episode of kancheong kitchen was finally aired!!!

lawak sial!!

http://8tv.com.my/Shows/EpHighlight.aspx?MasterID=313&ShowID=495&MenuID=2&TemplateID=1&SubMenuID=1&VideoID=14862&EpID=14025#anchorVid

go ahead and watch. mine is episode 25.

never torn between two men

aku baru balik daripada kuching semalam. aku tau, dah berapa hari aku tak hapdate ni kan. rasa macam tertunggak byk kerja lak. semalam asal sampai aja, dah start kemas barang. biasa la gi sana, beli bakul la, hamper la, menda la. mama soh aku kemas photo albums yang dah lama tak berkemas tu. jadi aku pun start la kemas. sambil2 kemas tu, usha2 la sket gambar2 lama.....

and then aku ternampak....


...gambar ni, just a few days after i was born. aku bukan emo ke apa, but i actually cried after tgk gambar ni. to the left is arwah atok aku, tok brahim. he is my everything, really. aku cuma sempat hidup ngan dia 3 tahun aja, and then he left us. tapi amazingly, dengan kuasa tuhan, aku ingat most of the time spent with him. and only i can see the sweet memories playing on rewind in my head.

to the right, is my Abah, my grandad on mama's side. he is in new zealand sekarang tgh visiting his cicit. he has the most sabar with me and i love him endlessly. sekarang he is so weak due to old age. i haven't been spending time with him and i feel really guilty. i miss him badly....

between these 2 men, there is no such thing as who do i love more. i love them equally, and i love them more than anyone else.
"marlyne rindu sangat kat atok ngan abah"

please sedekah your Al-Fatihah to my Arwah Atok Ibrahim bin Ismail and doakan kesihatan my Abah, Haji Shaari Md Dom. Amin....

haaa... yang terselit kat bawah nyibuk stealing my limelight tu, tu la dia Pott @ my elder brother. kepoh seyy....

the time has finally come....

...........for me to write it out, when in actual fact, i should say it out. but i guess you wouldn't have time for my "whimpering". this might be trivial to you. but you are blood. you matter. so, because i still care, i just want to let you know how some things that you did, affected me, not in a good way.

pott,

it doesn't take a genius to figure out why all of a sudden i felt like writing this. it was my birthday dinner. i was thinking to myself (and still thinking), why were you so mean to me on my birthday? initially in the day, you were ok. but then, when we had a slight misunderstanding (you totally "didn't know" that we were SUPPOSED to go have lecka2) on the drive home, you went sour on me. why?

ok, maybe you had had a bad day, maybe something was bothering you that you "forgot" about the turn to hartamas, maybe, you just cannot make me a happier person on my birthday. don't lash on my birthday, i am entitled to be selfish, but i am not that kind of person, and i wasn't selfish at all.

really, to you it is just a minor thing, but to me, you broke my heart....

what happened to us? what happened to our closeness? we were so tight that people thought we were twins. remember those times when we fight endlessly over stupid matters and then everything was forgotten and we went on being the closest sibs ever. how support each other in times of need, how i'd do everything i can so that you can go for that race that you wanted to attend. how we share our stories.

but after awhile, everything just sort of disappear, slowly..... where did it all go?

instead of laughing with me, you laugh at me. i do too, to you. but sometimes you are just too mean, the things that are supposed to be a joke, is not that funny. yes, i AM sensitive, you should know that. like the day when i just arrived home from uni, and we were supposed to have dinner at your place, you called me a "stowaway", not that funny. i wanted to just get out of the car and walk back home.

yes, we can still joke. but i'd prefer if you'd stop treating me as if i am someone else.i am still marlyne. i wish you'd still see that, the little girl who is always joining you to be in trouble when we were young.

btw, i am not a CONFUSED glamour diva. i know what i want. there is no harm in multitasking. it'll market me better in the future. my charity work is sensible in so many ways. i recycle and i help the needy, best that i can. what is there that don't make sense? you tell me.

in the end, i hope you see what i am trying to tell you all these years that we have grown apart.

coach (not the brand)

so, i am back in KL for the merdeka weekend. mama and nana came over to pick me up as well as settle some stuffs in the campus.

this time around, we chartered the coach in the train for our way back home. it was my first time riding in a coach in malaysia. i used to ride in coaches when i was in russia.

the coach was ok. not too spacey. i am sort of claustrophobic, felt rather uncomfy in the coach. i always travel in the open-cabin when i take the train. so, to be in a closed space like this one, it felt rather odd.


the coach came with two berths, one on top of the other, a stowaway table, a stowaway wash basin, a detachable ladder to climb to the top berth, a wall fan, and a tv.

i was uber excited when i saw the tv. well, as you all know, i totally do not watch any tv when i am in campus. this is mainly due to the fact that most of the time, the tv in the common area is conquered by them, and they'll watch those programmes that i have no idea what they are talking, about as they are speaking that language that i don't understand (you know what i mean).

but to my dismay (and my wonder), the tv was not working. there was a sign beneath it. upon closer reading, the tv is not working because of some technical difficulties. hurmmmm....

when the conductor came in, we asked him, what was actually going on with the tv. the answer was that they haven't installed the whole system properly yet as they only had enough to put the sets in but not the main system player that will be playing the programmes that are supposed to be aired on those monitors.

weird.... if you can't afford, don't give false hope to the passengers la.

mama and nana got the bottom berth as they were sharing.

REd monyeting around. actually spider-ing around, more like. that is the detachable ladder that i was talking about. just doing a durability test to them ladder-hangers on the wall. boy! there are attached to the wall like steel!! they could hold me up!!

i got the top berth, but i climbed it without the assistance of the ladder. saje je nak test, masih tere ke tak dalam acara panjat memanjat ni. nampak gayanya mmg tere pun. ececececece.....heheheh

applause to KTM for the NOT working TV set, the NOT working ceiling light as well as the individual reading light, and best of all the damp and musty environment of the coach as opposed to being warm and crisp.

hope you'll get more passengers!!