Friday, November 14, 2008

me against the world or the world is against me?

i came across this tagline today: "me against the world". it sounds very strong and shows that the person is very confident in itself that the person dares to do things just to prove that nothing can stop him/her if the determination level has gone sky high.

i am pretty sure that i was that before. i am always wanting to be different, wanting to do things that are not in the norm, i wanted to stand out. or maybe, that is what i have been believing? i don't know. i mean, seriously, actually, i am not that daring. i am more like....reckless. i just do things at the spur of the moment. thinking comes much much later when the repercussions are starting to take place. and then i will be like: "what $h!t have i got myself into!?!"

and, people always think that i am a bunk-faced (muka tembok) kind of person. that i don't know how does it feel to be shy. that i am all forward. not really.... i am actually super shy at times. i sometimes have to swallow my gut just so that the shyness will disappear. i have very low self esteem let alone the confidence that usually hides itself when i truly need it. but when i am all geared and pumped up to be upfront about something, go on stage, talk to some people, there will always be something or someone to drain the adrenaline from inside me. and then, it is back to square one.

am i an airhead? i don't know, you tell me. many people might say that i am snobby. yes, i agree to that because these people don't know me. most of those that have finally entered "the twisted world of REd" realize that "hey, she ain't that bad. she ain't snobby at all". i didn't make this up, they tell me, so i am just telling you guys.

do i want things to happen the way I want it to happen? i am not kimora lee simmons, her opinion is the only opinion. whatever that i think should happen, is just a mere suggestion. and these suggestions, i have thought over them, including the people that are involved. ok, sometimes i might sound very pushy, maybe it is just the tone that i use to speak with. i don't mean it that way. misinterpretation always leads to miscommunication. and i don't like that because it just makes the beautiful relationship falter. if my suggestions aren't good enough, i am willing to take other opinions. hey, i don't live alone, eh? the people around me are important too.

so, is the world against me? maybe.... why do i think so? because i just feel so vulnerable. like i am gonna break anytime soon. which is so unlike me. i don't break that easily. i want to brush these thoughts away, make a barrier so that it can't invade me. somehow, there is an entry point somewhere that allows penetration of negatives that lead me to feel fragile.

get to know me. maybe then we can get along with each other, not against one another.


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