The Gift

right before my mother went down the escalator in KLIA, making her way towards the immigration counter, she hugged a teary-eyed me and whispered some words of wisdom into my ears. i was too busy feeling sad that most of what she said turned into nothings in my head. except for one line: ".....and be grateful for the gift of fear".

after we part ways, those words were still in my head. there was once in the car, while i was driving with yah, she said to me: "remember what mama said? she told you to be grateful for the gift of fear". and then i was thinking to myself: how could yah have heard that when mama was only talking softly to me. hmmpphh... now we know who has been eavesdropping huh? :P

so, why does my mother say those words to me? simply because many people have this misconception, especially my family, that i am fearless. like, i take safety for granted and do things recklessly without thinking of the consequences. yeah, kind of, actually.

see, the problem is. i used to be a very safe, under the covers type of person. i won't do things that are not routine. i won't take chances. i won't try anything new. i just refused to. but as i grew up, i have gone through many situations in my life that mandates me to be a stronger person. a person that has to react even before the situation occurs. i have to be on my toes. i have to be independent. and because of that, i became somewhat fearless.

many times, i did things without my mother's prior knowledge (like the amazing trip to langkawi. jo-ee, when is the next one??!?). it is not that i don't want her to know. it is just that she loves me to death that it'll kill her with worry if i were to do things that might put me in danger. so, to spare that, i'd rather let her know later, when i am back, safe and sound. somehow, at the back of my mind, i trust that i will be safe, minus some minor setbacks.

i feel that if i take what's coming (or in my case: i , myselfs get into the dragon's den) straight in the face, i will learn more. mistakes or not. first hand experiences/lessons are better than the ones that you heared or told about, don't you agree?. sometimes, in the midst of my adventures, i do feel the fear. i do think of my mother, what would she feel if anything bad (God forbid) were to happen to me. and because of that, i take extra percaution. see, i do try to be safe, somehow.....

and now, let me get that misconception out of your heads. i do have fear. and i am thankful for that gift. here's a list of things that i fear and i bet you never thought that i'm fearful of these:

• i fear but love God
• i have fear of crossing the streets/roads
• i fear being in a turbulance in midair. i once had a panick attack when we were enroute to australia (ask my mother, she knows)
• i fear macacque (maybe all others as well) monkeys due to recent events
• i fear the definitely to occur Apocalypse
• i fear certain dogs
• i fear failing/not passing my exams (maybe i am just kiasu)
• i fear not being good enough (ok this is just insecurity)

i know there are more. but this is just to show that i am not fearless.

i am just....normal....