of hate, grudge and whatever....

no, this is not a hate entry/letter.

why do we hate anyway? well, for one, it is natural enough to hate someone/something if that object of hate is something that we can't stand, that have hurt us, that have brought us down, that have left a big gaping hole in our hearts. yes, it is natural human behaviour to have that feeling of hate, i guess....

i hate alot, i do. but not anymore. i should have written that i used to hate alot. the slightest things that hurt me, be it physically or emotionally, i tend to hate. and when i do, i really do. it is like a curse that i never will turn back. i even held to this phrase: "kalau aku benci, benci sampai mati". it is like a promise that i will keep. that i will hate that subject no matter what. but hey, promises are meant to be broken, eh?

initially when i hate, i won't show much reaction. obviously the feeling itself was preceeded by anger. i was a very angry person. i want things to happen like how i'd like it to happen. the only way is my way. if it does not, then i get angry. and mind, i show my anger in so many ways possible. throw a tantrum, do things carelessly, hurt myself, cokadol...anything..... that was me then. i was a spoiled brat, a selfish, self-centered spoiled brat, what do you expect?

recently, i was told that i am full of grudge. that i will bring things up from the past to make the other person feel guilty, and that on the other person's part, is very stressful. hey, if i am full of grudge, how come they are many people that i hate, or hate what they did to me, are still alive and kicking and still doing the same old things that they do to make me hate them in the first place? if i was full of grudge, i want revenge. but i don't and i am not doing anything in favour of revenge, infact i am like whatever.....

see, when i get angry, i become silent. is it wrong? i don't see anything wrong with that. isn't it better than me screaming? isn't it better than me throwing a fit? isn't it better than me physically hurting others or myself? i find being silent is more easy. nothing to it. i need not explain anything, you need not explain anything. i just chose not to know. just leave me alone for awhile. i need to stay calm, be calm.

but the bad part is, things like this tends to build up inside of you. you know, like a sleeping volcano waiting to erupt even at the slightest change of pressure in the core of the earth. there are alot of things inside of me. things that are like ghosts. they apparate at the most unexpected times. and when they do, i will start to think about it, start to contemplate. after awhile.... it disappears. waiting somewhere in my hippocampus, to resurface again some other day. is that what you'd call grudge? i mean, it's not like i am doing anything physically about it. i am just thinking about the hurt/hate, plotting a scene. is it wrong? it only involves me. what is so wrong about that?

or is it because that i become impartial, that i show no signs that i care, that is actually hurting? not that i chose to ignore but i find it such a waste of time to care anymore if it is not going to be fruitful in favour of both parties, myself and what/whoever.

i may hate, as i said, it is a natural huma feeling. grudge....hmmm.... none that i know of. i mean like, no matter how hurt i am, i still do the same old things before and after, just more careful. nowadays, i just chose not to be bothered you know, or at least act as if i am not bothered. make me angry, make me hate, i am like...

whatev....

footnote: just don't test the waters too deep, eh?