"mother, what did i do wrong?"

this is a picture of my beloved sister, ainur amani. ain't she a cute little baby angel?

disclaimer:this entry has nothing to do with her. it is just that i miss her dearly.

babies, they are so adorable aren't they? they come into this world, as clean as a piece of white cloth, as plain as a slate. in latin it would be like a tabula rasa.

so when i hear stories of babies being abandoned, or thrown away in rubbish bins, or left dead somewhere, i wonder: what did the baby do to derserve that? what was so wrong with the baby's birth into this cruel world that made the mother have the heart to do so. oh yes, it is a cruel world.

i remembered when i was doing my summer posting in a hospital in kuala lumpur. i was glad to be placed under the vigilant eye of Dr. Ali, the HOD of the A&E department. we were always let off early, after lunch since we were just summer interns. so, after lunch when there was nothing much to do, i suggested that we go to the morgue. have a looksee of the condition there, the bodies there, the sadness there. thank God my father knows the people there, so my friend and i were let in. we were to change into the morgue attire which consisted of boots, a plastic apron, a plastic cap, and a mask. we went to the room where the bodies were kept individually in each compartment. at first i was afraid, i was petrified. i cannot imagine what the body will look like, how did it die. after a few compartments were opened for us to see, i got used to it.

and then, there was this compartment. he opened it just halfway through. no need to pull the whole drawer out he said, because the body inside was of a baby. a newborn. the baby looked so perfect, as if it was in a peaceful sleep, without a thing in the world to care for. yes of course, nothing in the world for the baby anymore, simply because it is dead.

the baby came to the morgue, wrapped in nothing but a bin liner. you know, those big black bin liners that you use to put trash in. has it come to that? has the innocent baby fell to the level of trash? i didn't want to take a second look at the baby. not because i was afraid, not because i was nauseated. but because i was sad. i was thinking to myself: "mother, where was your heart when you did this to your child?"

recently on the news, a baby was found, still alive (thank God) in one of those public trash bin, somewhere in klang valley. prior to that, a couple was seen fighting with each other in a car. the guy came out from the car, took a parcel from the boot, and threw it into the trash bin. the lady came out from the car immediately after that, and tried to retrieve the parcel from the bin. but her partner snatched her arm and shoved her in the car, and drove off. this was seen by a bypasser. their plate number was recognized and the case was immediately reported. now, the couple are both under police detainment, and they will be questioned. i hope that justice is served and teach these people what are the meanings and values of life and responsibilities.

but i have a question though.....

if you support someone emotionally because she wants to have an abortion, does that mean that you support the act of abortion too? killing the fetus, a life in the making, by proxy? are you considered as a heartless ally? do you share the same crime as the mother?

guilt-ridden.....