The Comeback

It has been a long time since I last felt its presence.
And now I think, no, I know it is back.
Why?
Why do you have to come back?

Please don't.

You are a snoot

It was a normal happy..happy... working day yesterday. Patients were barging in as per always, but we kept up the pace. It was smooth sailing at its best....until....
Along came a patient with his entourages, also not forgetting a referral letter from a private well-known hospital.

So this said person, an elderly person, was diagnosed with late stage cancer, has undergone multiple sessions of radiotherapy and chemotherapy in the private sector. Because of the stage of cancer, this person has developed paraplegia and needs proper nursing care and physiotherapy. Although in such an advanced stage, this person is still very outspoken and well-versed, good for this person.

The referral letter however, was a general one. It clearly stated: "because of financial constrain, the family has requested to be referred to a government hospital for further care". That, I definitely understood.

So, we did what we could, and what our procedures allowed us to do. Since it was a general referral, with no investigations attached, and that the person has come to the emergency department on a weekend, we did our best. We called the respective team to come and see this person.

However, neither this person, nor the entourage understood that there is no such thing as "direct admission" if the referral was general. There is no such thing as a private waiting area for the them to be in, as they do want to sit in the general waiting area. There is no such thing as an ICU/CCU type bed at the emergency setting.

This person came in on a wheelchair, his well, his vitals were stable. As opposed to the more critical patients in Red Zone, this person was seen ASAP in the Yellow zone, and when we gave this person a bed to rest on while waiting for the respective team to come and review, this person refused to go on the given bed. The bed apparently is not up to this person's standard.

One of the entourage came up to me and bombarded me with the same repetitive question regarding "direct admission" and expected that I give them priority care. With the best that I could, I smiled and repetitively explained that that is not possible and that we have informed the respective team. This particular entourage rolled his eyes at me, kept looking at my scrubs, trying to get my name, testing me, testing my patience. I kept my calm, smiled and answered the best I can.

Although I am open, and free spirited, I never forget my roots. I know to treat everyone I see with the same amount of respect. Know how to lower myself when speaking to others. And yet, the conservative, covered, traditional ones that barge in, brought in the unnecessary attitudes and snootiness, and expect to be treated like kings and queens.

In the end, everyone is the same. We are ALL the same human being.

As I am reaching the finishing line: A confession letter

Why do I want to become a doctor.

Initially, becoming a doctor was a request made by my family. Since I am the only one among my siblings who is into science as opposed to arts, I took the request to heart. I graduated high school under pure science stream and I actually wanted to become a chef. But the year that I graduated, being a chef does not pose so many potentials, as compared to the market nowadays.

Therefore, I pursued medical school. It was a rough start at first because I am not the one that sits down and read books; I am more of hands on person, learning well from my experiences. Throughout medical school, I met many people, many lives that thought me to be more sympathetic, more concern, and more sensitive to their conditions. I developed the love to help people in so many ways possible; trying my level best to lend a helping hand to people in need.

As the years passed, I learned that this is, being a medical doctor, is my way to reach out to more people and to help them.

So, to answer the question: “Why do I want to become a doctor”, the answer is: it is my passion.

If I were a Medical Officer, what do I expect from House Officers.

As a House Officer who is still in the training/learning process, I would expect them to grow up and mature with their profession. Not to be blinded and egoistic with the status as a Doctor, but to be humbled and sensitive to needs of others. Knowledge wise, I expect them to know some medical basics, maybe not all because we tend to forget, thus we have to refresh our knowledge continuously.

Life is a learning process by itself. There is no ending in learning, so I expect them to learn from everything, the patients, their colleagues, the environment, so that they can better themselves in so many ways possible, as a Doctor, as well as a human being.

I also expect the HO to be more confident, but not cocky. There is however, a thin fine line between confidence and arrogant. I wouldn’t mind if the HO is really confident and has evidence of the fact that they are presenting, only then I could trust them handling some cases, before I attend to the patients.

I also expect to have a good working relationship with the HOs. I understand that I was once a HO too, therefore we must work together to solve problems, not work against each other.

The other most important thing is honesty. I don’t want to be the kind of MO that is so hard to converse with. Because when that happens, it is hard for the HO to be honest about some things; like for example, informing new cases, or anything that needed to be attended STAT.

As I mentioned, HOs are in training and sometimes they are not that confident in their management and they need a superior to help them out. The better the working relationship, the more honest and trustworthy the HOs can be. But of course I do expect the basic things to be done first before making the call to inform the MO in charge. 

LoveHate

Alhamdulillah..... It is finally done and over with.

I started off the episode with feelings of fear and uncertainties. I have heard many unwanted memories regarding this episode of my job. I myself has had a bad segment with one of the superiors prior to commencing my duties here. But I went head first, in hopes that it is not all that bad as suspected.

It wasn't an easy journey, I must say. I had many bad experiences with the superiors in my early days. I cried silently, ONCE, just once because I couldn't think that they would make me feel so small and useless. But right after I shed those long kept tears, I stood up, said to my self:

If I can't ...... 

damage

destroy

degrade 

                                                                               me, so can't you......... 

So, I went on and did my duties, put my patients as my priorities. Thinking that the only thing that can make me happy is the smiles on my patient's faces, the gratitude that they show by saying the simple "Terima Kasih", the joy of the whole family to know that everyone is safe. That was my fuel to get through this episode of my job, and nothing else matters.

Along the way, of course, I have to face some individuals that are better left unmentioned. But because I think that what they have done has made a significant impact, and has made me learn that being like them, will never make you happy, just make you more pretentious, I shall share some of my stories. 

I can safely and honestly say that this episode is not that bad after all, after what I have heard earlier prior to starting my duties here. It is really how you bring yourself, and how you ensure that you have good relationships (not by being an ass kisser) and trust with your superiors. You have to stand firm on your ground if you are sure that you are right, but say it in a nice way, so that the other person, who reprimands for the sake of it, will just live on the guilt trip forever.....

I have been on the bad meter with some superiors, and it doesn't bother me because, I have proof and witnesses that I wasn't at wrong. I actually anticipated a letter of warning because I know, working with the government, the superiors are always right, regardless. Thus I have meticulously prepared myself (with names of eye witnesses) to counter the accusation. Never mind if I am standing alone, at least I know, I am standing with honesty in my heart. 

However, there is this one particular individual, no matter how much I tried, I can never understand. Whatever you do is not enough, you will be bothered by endless calls, nagging, I shall say. But tell me truthfully, how, how inn God's great name, can you do your work if you have to answer all those calls? How can your work be done if you are bothered every other minute? How can you actually perform? Does it make you feel better to perform in anger? in sadness? in vengeance? It wonders me, really. When will that ever stop? But I thank God for making me the kind of person who does not care to bother on other things rather than the priorities; ie: my patients. You can talk as much as you want, I can't hear you, I can only hear the presenting complaints of my patients. 

So, there you go. Some comments I have to the past episode of my duties. 

It is really a love hate relationship 

;)

I am writing again

Everyone has a past, secrets, dark memories. I am included. These things that we call experiences, some of us learn from them, some of us just fail in them. I have kept many of my life experiences on my own. Thus making who I am today. Whatever I feel like doing, just because I am a really curious person (everybody should know this by now), I will do. And being a person of "just do it", I did. The consequences of my secrets are mine to bear, to learn from, to stop. Whatever that I did, is mine, and mine alone. No one told me to do so. So please, stop looking at others and just look at me. I can say that sometimes, I don't know what I am doing, therefore, I am learning on my own.

You have your pasts too, right? Did you not learn from it as well? Did you not learn from your own mistakes? Did you not jeopardize many things? But you still go on, steadfast, to become who you are today. To live your life today. Regardless of what everyone else say, you still go on.

We shared our secrets, well some of it. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me. Whatever I have seen with my own eyes, heard with my own ears, those are memories etched in my life. I can't erase them, I can only remember them and that is it. Those are not my stories to tell, those are yours.

During the days when no one would talk to you, when people question me, why do I keep on going back to you, do I not remember what you have done to me, how much you have hurt me, I tell them, regardless, I can never erase you from my life. You are a part of me. Now, that many have started making amends, you forgot, and you put the blame on me. For being someone whom you never knew who I was. I am who I am, no one made me this way. This is me, and I know I have changed to be a better person that you need to understand. So don't go talking to others about my life. I never meddled in yours, why must you meddle in mine?

And you, of all the people, I trusted you the most. Opening up to you. Sharing my real me. Thinking that, whoa! I really can be with you. But in the end, when you think I am not listening to you, I am not paying my attention to you, you used all of the real me as an ammo to win their trusts and their hearts. Go ahead, use it all. If that is the best that you can do to get all the attention you want. Just bear in mind, from now on, there will be no me, there will only be the facade that I have been doing most of my life, just like everyone else.

So there you go, lesson learned.

• whatever that I have done, is of my own doing. Stop pointing those dirty fingers. It's disgusting not to take the blame.
• I cannot trust. I just can't, not anymore.
• Please read back the books of your lives. Remember that I was there too.

and lastly, strike three.....

You are out.

Nurha's Rest (Tomyam Seafood)

Located along Jalan Langgar.
Rating: 5/10
Price: 8/10
Ambience: 9/10
Status: Recommended

The sound of the water flowing just calms you while you are dining.

"Terima Kasih" in Jawi

You couldn't miss this sign by the road side.

Open space allows for many patrons at any one time.

And again the plants just attracts me more.

Meehoon tomyam. So-so.

Kangkong belacan (my fav dish). This is nice. Like really.

Mixed fruit juice (freshly squeezed) and plain water.

Chicken Maryland. This was actually not that bad.

Just between us

"Unlike you guys, so luxurious, can go back early after night shift. We have to work the whole day".

But...........

We are awake most of the time at night.
We are being called almost every other 30 minutes to be noted about something.
We do our best not to notify you so much so that we have a good relationship.

And..........

We also know that you go through the same.
But to compare the snooze hours,
We think you get more than us.

So...........

Lets just not compare ourselves and just be passionate and sincere in our responsibilities, i.e: our jobs.

Kopi Kampung

Located along lebuhraya Sultanaha Bahiyah.
Rating: 6/10
Price: 8/10
Ambience: 7/10
Status: Recommended




Laichikang: very nice. Has loads of treasures in it.


Kopi Kampung: keeps you awake for 3 days straight, no kidding!


Jus Nepal: I wonder if it smells like the immigrants as well (not being racist here. Who knows, they might actually smell better than me).


Thai-influenced desserts are also available.


Enjoying my laichikang.


Relics that they place around the resto to create the retro ambiance. The background music are all from the 70s and below.


Tomyam campur: hot, sour, so so.


Steamed groupa: fresh and delicious.


Kangkung belacan: not enough belacan.


Telur dadar: too damn oily. Thank God my eating partner can eat this alone.

Monday night question

It has been awhile since all this started, occurred, happened. It really does mystify me, why are you so cold towards me. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What changed?

Is it because I graduated and landed myself a [proper] job?

Is it because more eyes are looking at me although I tried my level best not to be in the center of attention?

Is it because I have changed to be more forgiving, more humble?

What is it that you hate about me?

OR, what is it that makes you so envious of me?

I really can't change the situation right now.

Something has to change, or shall I appropriately say, SOMEONE has to change.

Y.O.U

The difference

I'm towards the end of my current posting now and oh yeah, it changed my views on Medicine, like seriously.

I used to be afraid and worried that I won't perform well in Medical posting as I am really not a medical person. I am a more hands-on person, more surgical. More, what is there, is there. Not a person that loves to solve puzzles, like the scenarios that usually occurs in medical departments.

But a whole lot of my views changed throughout this almost 4 months that I am here. Honestly, I am beginning to like medicine. Like yeah, seriously.

One of the many reasons that I like medicine is because of the bosses. Yeah, the bosses here are kinda cool and acceptable. What I meant by acceptable is that they (most of them, at least) really do appreciate your opinions and the things that you do. In fact, they love to hear your input so that they can teach you more if you are less knowledgeable in that field.

The bosses treat you like friends, that's nice. Really, it just boosts your confidence in so many ways possible. And yeah, no matter how friendly they are, you just know that they are still your boss, and you respect them, nevertheless.

The other thing in medicine that I like most is that you are allowed to be really hands on. Like for reals, I thought that surgical was procedures, procedures, and procedures, which is true by the way. But most of the procedures are done by the bosses and as a HO, you can't do much but assist. And only that, assist. But in medical, you are allowed to give it a try, of course under the supervision of the bosses. And yeah, once again, that pushes your confidence to a whole new level.

Well, I don't know. I still have a few more days left before I end this post, God willing.

Seriously, I am kinda missing it already.

Exactly!

Puteri Diyana

Puteri Diyana, nama mu indah sekali. Sering disebut-sebut teruna yang ingin menjadikan diri mu milik mereka. Suara mu bang buluh perindu, di mimpi-mimpi. Cerah gebu kulit mu, bagai sang puteri rembulan yang menghiasi bumi. Mata mu menambat jiwa yang menenungmu.

Bertudung litup, kamu ayu dipandang. Gerak geri mu lemah longlai walau kamu dalam kesibukan kerja. Kamu masih tetap mampu mengekalkan sifat kewanitaan kamu itu. Kamu menjadi idaman sang teruna dan menjadi contoh si dara.

Tapi bukan aku. Maaf Puteri Diyana,aku tak ingin langsung menjadi seperti kamu.

Mengapa?

Kerana hati mu. Hati mu begitu hitam Puteri Diyana. Kamu tidak malu mengata benda yang kamu sendiri tidak tahu, tidak mengenali. Kamu mengata pasal aku. Tapi Allah itu Maha Adil dan Saksama. Kamu telah memberitahu kawan kamu tentang aku. Tetapi kamu tidak tahu bahawa kawan kamu itu, adalah kawan ku jua.

Kamu kata aku sombong? Kerana aku tidak menegur kamu sewaktu kamu baru masuk ke department itu sebagai seorang first poster. Puteri Diyana, aku tak semestinya perlu tegur semua orang. Itu bukan tugas aku. Tugas aku adalah menyelamatkan pesakit, bukan menegur kamu. Tapi aku tak salahkan kamu kerana memang ramai yang kata aku sombong. Kemudian, mereka mengaku bersalah dan meminta maaf kepada aku kerana apa yang mereka sangka, jauh berbeza dari diri ku yang sebenarnya.

Kamu kata aku malas. Puteri Diyana, aku tak pernah sama ward dengan kamu. Bagaimana kamu tahu aku malas? Tidak mengapa. Kamu sendiri pandai menilai. Jika aku malas, dalam mata mu, malaslah jadinya. Tapi aku cuma mahu kamu tahu bahawa, jikalau betul aku malas, mengapa boss2 dari department lain, amat percaya pada aku jika aku sendiri beritahu mereka bahawa aku akan attend patient dahulu atau buat procedure itu dahulu, tanpa perlu mereka datang. Kerana Puteri Diyana, mereka percaya pada aku. Kerana aku telah banyak melakukan procedures and attend to patients STAT. Malah, apa plan aku untuk patients sekarang, boss continue sahaja, tanda setuju.

Aku kesian pada kamu Puteri Diyana.

Amat kasihan pada kamu.

HO survival kit: There is no such thing as freedom of speech.

I believe that your own page/blog space is your own private territory. You are allowed to express anything that your heart feels. Things that you can't say outside the world wide web, as if you were to say those things out there, they will penalize you for sharing what you think.

Truth be told, there are people who likes to read your blog. Problem is, these people aren't happy that you are expressing your feelings here. Trouble will be on the way to find you once you say something bad (although it is the hardcore truth) about them. Aren't we supposed to be open to comments and make ourselves better based on the comments thrown to us?

Weird, once you are here, your voice and opinions are trapped. If you are daring enough, it is off with your head!

Sometimes, I hope there are more people like Tun M. He thinks far.

My second job

Wanna take a guess?

Apple pie my way. No recipes required.

Just core them apples and put them in the pan, +margarine, +cinnamon stix, +brown sugar. Cook.



Made from plain flour, margarine, H20. Made with L.O.V.E



Meantime, check on them apples. Eemmm.... smells fantabulous!



Put the baby to sleep for 30mins. But you have to stay awake. Lullaby not needed.



The first try: tastes great, looks wrong.



The second coming: P.E.R.F.E.C.T

I love things that come in packages (be it big or small)

I know this is long overdue to post this on the blog huhuhuh....



I almost wanted to count how many cats are in this card and categorize them as well X_x



Shadi, gimme pictures that you promised :P



Purely happy :)



Caught me off guard.











Owh yes, that is Papa Vellu !!

Dr. Love Bite

I was on call the other day and of course being in the new department almost all the patients are eventful. It was considered a rather good call as in not many patients were were admitted during one time. They were spread out throughout the day.

But one particular patient, he was obviously very eventful. He apparently became desaturated twice in the same day about 3 hours apart. The first time, I was assisted by the MO on call and the patient revived, so all of us went away happy.

The second time however, the patient desaturated again and I was attending to him first. I ordered the staff nurses to call the MO that was on call with me. The MO on call was already in the ward at that time. Lets name the MO on call, Love Bite (LB). LB came and I was presenting the case to LB while at the same time trying to revive the patient. I guess LB wasn't listening to me as LB tried LB'e lever best to repeat each sentenced I said to LB, but most of the time, the sentences were wrong.

LB didn't even touch the patient. All LB did was ordered things and went away while the patient wasn't revived yet. Then LB came and rudely told me that I need to document all this, weird part is, LB didn't even touch the patient. So who was the one that was actually trying to help the patient?

With LB's neck at that time, full of fresh love bites, LB tried to cover the marks. But it was so obvious that as if LB was trying hard enough to show them off. And then LB just walked away, with the patient still not revived.

So, I did it all on my own with the help of the staff nurses. Even they were wondering how could the MO do that? Just leave and let go? When asked to help call the MO from other concurrent teams to help, LB didn't even want to do that. LB asked me to do it, while I was actually trying to revive the patient. Can you imagine?

So I called the other team's MO and told the MO what is going on. All the MO could do was asked me: "If I come down to see the patient, what do you want me to do?". Like, for reals? You are the MO, you should know better.

Finally, the patient revived, I was the one who did it with my staff nurses. The staff nurse even said: "Doc, I think you should be a junior MO. And show those other MOs that you are better than them."

**Smiles.....

As you go higher, your attitude deteriorates.

Insya'Allah, I will never do that.

My belated birthday diary

Woke up with a positive attitude although I was supposed to be assigned to a new department. That was my birthday present, to start my second posting :).



The rain greeted my day :)



Still very happy to get to the hospital (really?)



Wearing my killer platforms that I bought with Yayah on my trip back to KL. It hurts balls, but hey, I am a fashion slave.



My birthday breakfast: Yes, TEMPE!! I am jawa, so what?



Birthday friend: Pijoy.... always working (like mad)



Prolonging my stay in surgical department (Yes, I miss surgery)



Blogging on my birthday (sempat tu...)



Getting a surprise birthday cake and a sing-along no less :). Thanks so much.



My birthday snack: I was dead hungry by 5pm. My last meal was at 8am X_x


Papparazi shot: Told you, I am a celebrity :)