LoveHate

Alhamdulillah..... It is finally done and over with.

I started off the episode with feelings of fear and uncertainties. I have heard many unwanted memories regarding this episode of my job. I myself has had a bad segment with one of the superiors prior to commencing my duties here. But I went head first, in hopes that it is not all that bad as suspected.

It wasn't an easy journey, I must say. I had many bad experiences with the superiors in my early days. I cried silently, ONCE, just once because I couldn't think that they would make me feel so small and useless. But right after I shed those long kept tears, I stood up, said to my self:

If I can't ...... 

damage

destroy

degrade 

                                                                               me, so can't you......... 

So, I went on and did my duties, put my patients as my priorities. Thinking that the only thing that can make me happy is the smiles on my patient's faces, the gratitude that they show by saying the simple "Terima Kasih", the joy of the whole family to know that everyone is safe. That was my fuel to get through this episode of my job, and nothing else matters.

Along the way, of course, I have to face some individuals that are better left unmentioned. But because I think that what they have done has made a significant impact, and has made me learn that being like them, will never make you happy, just make you more pretentious, I shall share some of my stories. 

I can safely and honestly say that this episode is not that bad after all, after what I have heard earlier prior to starting my duties here. It is really how you bring yourself, and how you ensure that you have good relationships (not by being an ass kisser) and trust with your superiors. You have to stand firm on your ground if you are sure that you are right, but say it in a nice way, so that the other person, who reprimands for the sake of it, will just live on the guilt trip forever.....

I have been on the bad meter with some superiors, and it doesn't bother me because, I have proof and witnesses that I wasn't at wrong. I actually anticipated a letter of warning because I know, working with the government, the superiors are always right, regardless. Thus I have meticulously prepared myself (with names of eye witnesses) to counter the accusation. Never mind if I am standing alone, at least I know, I am standing with honesty in my heart. 

However, there is this one particular individual, no matter how much I tried, I can never understand. Whatever you do is not enough, you will be bothered by endless calls, nagging, I shall say. But tell me truthfully, how, how inn God's great name, can you do your work if you have to answer all those calls? How can your work be done if you are bothered every other minute? How can you actually perform? Does it make you feel better to perform in anger? in sadness? in vengeance? It wonders me, really. When will that ever stop? But I thank God for making me the kind of person who does not care to bother on other things rather than the priorities; ie: my patients. You can talk as much as you want, I can't hear you, I can only hear the presenting complaints of my patients. 

So, there you go. Some comments I have to the past episode of my duties. 

It is really a love hate relationship 

;)

I am writing again

Everyone has a past, secrets, dark memories. I am included. These things that we call experiences, some of us learn from them, some of us just fail in them. I have kept many of my life experiences on my own. Thus making who I am today. Whatever I feel like doing, just because I am a really curious person (everybody should know this by now), I will do. And being a person of "just do it", I did. The consequences of my secrets are mine to bear, to learn from, to stop. Whatever that I did, is mine, and mine alone. No one told me to do so. So please, stop looking at others and just look at me. I can say that sometimes, I don't know what I am doing, therefore, I am learning on my own.

You have your pasts too, right? Did you not learn from it as well? Did you not learn from your own mistakes? Did you not jeopardize many things? But you still go on, steadfast, to become who you are today. To live your life today. Regardless of what everyone else say, you still go on.

We shared our secrets, well some of it. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me. Whatever I have seen with my own eyes, heard with my own ears, those are memories etched in my life. I can't erase them, I can only remember them and that is it. Those are not my stories to tell, those are yours.

During the days when no one would talk to you, when people question me, why do I keep on going back to you, do I not remember what you have done to me, how much you have hurt me, I tell them, regardless, I can never erase you from my life. You are a part of me. Now, that many have started making amends, you forgot, and you put the blame on me. For being someone whom you never knew who I was. I am who I am, no one made me this way. This is me, and I know I have changed to be a better person that you need to understand. So don't go talking to others about my life. I never meddled in yours, why must you meddle in mine?

And you, of all the people, I trusted you the most. Opening up to you. Sharing my real me. Thinking that, whoa! I really can be with you. But in the end, when you think I am not listening to you, I am not paying my attention to you, you used all of the real me as an ammo to win their trusts and their hearts. Go ahead, use it all. If that is the best that you can do to get all the attention you want. Just bear in mind, from now on, there will be no me, there will only be the facade that I have been doing most of my life, just like everyone else.

So there you go, lesson learned.

• whatever that I have done, is of my own doing. Stop pointing those dirty fingers. It's disgusting not to take the blame.
• I cannot trust. I just can't, not anymore.
• Please read back the books of your lives. Remember that I was there too.

and lastly, strike three.....

You are out.